Longing
by chakramchaser
Summary: A/O: Olivia reflects on the events of Loss.
1. Chapter 1

For hours afterwards, I sat silently in shock- not crying, not thinking, hardly even breathing. Alex was alive. But she was gone.

Witness protection…

It was almost worse than her being dead. Knowing that she was alive and that I couldn't be with her tore me to bits. I bent my head down over the desk.

Why didn't I tell her? Why were those three words so hard to say?

It had been my last chance. She stood in front of me, shattered, her face lit up by the flashing blue lights on top of the WPP car. Her eyes were teary, but they revealed only strength. It was all I could do to keep from reaching out and embracing her, from whispering in her ear that it was all going to be okay, that she would get her life back… That I loved her.

But then what would have happened? She would have gotten in that car and gone anyway. She had no choice. None of us did. But if I had my way, I would have taken her home, cared for her, and told her I would always be here for her.

Of course there was a part of me that wanted her to go, I wanted the best for her. And moving to god-knows-where was better for her than staying in New York.

Alex didn't deserve this. She was a good person, the best. She was kind, she was compassionate, she was headstrong. The Ice Queen had a heart of gold. I saw it in her eyes when she relented and got us a warrant after hours of my begging. I felt it in the way she looked at me when she knew I had a hard day. In light of this, she should definitely have understood my feelings.

But in the end, the answer to my question is simple. Why didn't I tell her? Because it was best for her that she not know. In our last moments together, both our eyes overflowing with tears, I couldn't say it. Because if she didn't feel the same way, her last memory of me would be an awkward one. And if she did, it would only make the process of leaving even more excruciating than it already was.

It was best for her.

It was because I loved her that I didn't tell her.

Sometimes the longing is better.


	2. Chapter 2

The thunder woke me, finally releasing me from the prison of my own mind. I sat upright in bed, the covers tangled around me uncomfortable. I struggled to free myself from them, kicking frantically. The panic of my dream still sat heavy in my heart.

I saw her again.

I saw Alex.

It was the night that she was shot. I looked down at her beautiful face, staring vacantly into empty space. I saw my hands pressing down on her shoulder. I felt her blood cover my skin. It was hot and wet, enough to make me retch. It covered me slowly, defying the laws of gravity as it creeped up my arms and formed a slick coating over me.

I wanted so desperately to wipe it off but I knew that if I removed my hands, Alex would bleed out. So I endured the sick feeling of Alex's life draining out of her and onto me.

When it reached my face, I choked. It dripped down my nose, into my mouth. And at last, when my tears had run out and my screams had rendered me hoarse, I removed my hands.

At once, Alex began to writhe. Her body twitched this way and that, desperate noises escaping her throat. She was gasping for air. The pool of blood underneath her increased in size at an alarming rate. And at the end of it all, she lay still and her last breath escaped her.

"Olivia….."

My heart stopped. I stared into her empty blue eyes, usually sparkling and full of life. The light had gone out. But I still heard her voice in my ear.

"Turn around."

I did. And the sight that met my eyes was enough to send me into hysterics. Alex, her golden hair muted and dull, stood before me. She was drenched in her own blood, her life dripping away. Her perfect mouth opened, and she spoke.

"Why….."

It was all I could do not to cry. "Why what, Alex?"

And suddenly, the innocent expression on her face changed to an expression of white-hot rage.

"Why didn't you save me?!" she snarled. Then, she flew at me, her hands outstretched. The long fingers closed around my throat and I felt myself growing faint. My tears flowed and washed the blood away. But she still wouldn't let go. I couldn't breathe, my sight was fading. I was dying…

And then the thunder.

I breathed heavily as I remembered the dream. And then I remembered the real Alex. The kind, dedicated, beautiful Alex I knew.

I curled up, rested my head on my knees and sobbed.


	3. Chapter 3

This case was a disaster. Victims left and right, no witnesses to speak of. And to top it all off, I was under double the pressure because we were dealing with Alex's killer. It was all I could do keep from crying at every mention of either her name or of the bastard who shot her. So I just kept my chin up and tried to do justice for her. For my Alex.

So when Elliot and I were in the room with Casey, arguing away, I was this close to collapsing. The strain was too much. But the noise behind me provided distraction enough for me to keep calm.

And then I saw her.

Alex.

It was as if everything had gone back to the way it was, not a moment had passed. She still looked at me the same way, my heart still skipped beats when she smiled. Her name felt so good rolling off my tongue, as if saying it washed the years off my shoulders. The secrecy was gone, the darkness lifted.

The way she joked around with us was effortless. She was still her casual, cheerful, slightly sarcastic self. And until that moment, the first moment I saw her again, I never fully realized how much I had missed her.

The night before the trial felt like the first time I could breathe since she left. As she told me about her new life, her new friends, the claims adjustor she had been seeing, I smiled. It was best for her that she feel supported. And so I smiled.

But as the night wore on, the anxiety set in. She paced, she sighed, she wrung her hands. And finally, she sat down and cried. I sat down next to her and wrapped her in my arms.

"Alex..." I whispered. "It's okay."

She sniffed and looked up at me. "Do you know how good it feels to hear my name? It's been years."

"I know," I said, rubbing her back. "I know."

"I miss the city," she said tearfully. "I miss my job, I miss my friends… I miss my life."

I sighed. "Alex, it's tough. I can't imagine what it's been like for you. It's been tough on me, too- because I love you."

She looked up at me expectantly. I continued.

"We all love you. And we all miss you so much. But we know that it's best for you right now that you stay away, no matter how much it hurts."

Her blue eyes sparkled, overflowing with tears. Her face moved closed to mine. And in an instant, her lips were on my cheek in the softest of kisses.

"It's good to see you again, Liv," she whispered.


End file.
